Not Quite The Onion

After a meaningful protest was hijacked by a small minority of powerful journalists, Back Towards The Locus asks, “Is discussing the effectiveness of violence at demonstrations effective?” In other words, does it ensure our media deflects attention away from substantive questions and onto salacious, provocative but ultimately trivial sideshows? Coverage from the BBC, Sky News, Channel 4 and quite literally all the mainstream papers seems to show the answer’s yes. (Continued on all pages, like a gleeful, inky ejaculation…)

More. And. Also.

This is a cross-post by Mail reporter Steve Bacon

Nick Clegg stunned Britain today by entering a public toilet and leaving minimal time between the flush and his exit. Voters fear that the 10.5 second gap will have left “shockingly little” time for the Liberal Democrat leader to wash his hands. “It shook me up”, said a witness, “There’s no way that he had time to scrub those horrible, germy fingernails.”

This news threatens to undermine the surge that has made Mr Clegg’s minor party slightly less obscure. Today, voters were left fearing that he’s “inept“, “evil” and “a total wanker“.

Nick Clegg – Shit on his hands?

“What? Oh, yes!” Said Tory MP Richard Babely-Moore, “He is an absolute rotter, isn’t he.”

Suspicions were echoed by a classmate of Mr Clegg’s from the public school where the vehemently pro-EU MP was educated. “Awful creep,” the whistleblower reported, “Used to cry for his mummy.”

Gordon Brown’s an arsehole, too, and David Cameron’s standing for the Conservative Party.

The cleg has a painful bite – coincidence?

The U.S. healthcare system collapsed today, after the passing of President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform bill. Doctors told Back Towards The Locus that the influx of patients affected by Congress’s decision had utterly “overwhelmed” them. Ten million Rush Limbaugh listeners were admitted to hospitals with a variety of fits and heart attacks. “We’ve got blood vessels going off all over the place,” gasped one exhausted Nurse, “It’s like a gigantic Scanners tribute“.

Meanwhile, in Massachusetts, thousands of Democrats were rushed to the emergency rooms, after, we’re told, the “mass swoonage” led to a series of awkward falls. Delirious patients are said to have cried hosannas even as they underwent treatment.

Those with more commonplace ailments were left out in the cold. “So what’s new?” grunted one cancer patient.

Conservatives across the media have welcomed the coming apocalypse as a “marvellous attack on the liberal-left“. “Those libtards were wetting themselves over climate change,” chortled Jamie North of The Daily Thesaurus, “When we’ll really meet our end at the hands of the Gods, wreaking their fiery vengeance on mankind“. North and his colleagues have since been condemned to eternal damnation for cheap controversialism.

Meanwhile, Guy Fawkes – who adopted his name from “someone who completely failed to bring down Parliament” – exclusively reported that some MPs had wasted time, at the expense of the taxpayer, “begging forgivess for their sins“. A thousand commenters immediately noted that “THEY’LL BE THERE FOR A WHILE THEN, LOL!!1!” while other right-wing blogs were quick to trumpet their exclusive variations on a theme.

The left-wing blogosphere soon hit back, however. As Samuel Price of the website Progress Of Some Kind was skewered on the end of a trident, he was heard to gasp, “This really shows the right up for what they are“. He contrasted their apparent “negativism” with the efforts of his fellow progressives, whose facebook group “A Million People Who Oppose The Consigning Of Humanity To The Hellfires” has garnered an impressive two thousand members.


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