It’s been assumed that shark-based B-movies are in decline. They said you could never surpass Shark Attack 3. They thought you could never equal Sharks in Venice. They claimed you could never match Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Well, ladies and gents, the doubters hadn’t reckoned on Christopher Ray – who readers doubtless know as first assistant director on the classic Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros – who’s directed a barnstormer titled 2-Headed Shark Attack.

Ray’s casting is one of the most impressive features of the movie. Carmen Electra, whose prominence in such a film is a glorious affirmation of the rightfulness of her place as a judge on Britain’s Got Talent, is cast as a doctor. I have to say: I’ve seen her in her previous roles in epics like Meet the Spartans and Cheaper By The Dozen 2 and none of them screamed doctor so I applaud Mr Ray’s imagination. (If there’s one quibble you could make it’s that of all the features of Ms Electra that the camera delights in showcasing “intellect” isn’t prominent.) Elsewhere we’re treated to a performance by Brooke Hogan – for whom acting was a natural progression after brief but memorable careers in music, modelling and reality TV. It might be presumptuous to call her “the next Paris Hilton” but she’s just a sex tape away from such heights. It’s just a shame she couldn’t talk the Hulk into coming along to drop a leg on the big fish.

Ah, yes, the shark. The director had thought it would be a shark with a head attached to its other head but the special effects artist talked him into creating the beast with two separate heads. (Would that such wisdom had prevailed during the creation of Zaphod Beeblebrox in Garth Jennings’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.) It’s a truly formidable beast. Imagine two of the decorative amphibians you often find at swimming pools had been defaced by a crowd of GCSE art students with a few bits of white card and jars of dolmio and you’re there.

After a girl-on-girl snog that was as relevant as it was tasteful the beast made short work of the jock, the black guy and the nudists. (I know! I was as shocked as you are.) I won’t divulge other plot details as you’re doubtless keen to watch it for yourself but I will say that the extent to which you’ll be emotionally invested in the plight of brattish college students who are as distinguishable from eachother as weevils in a biscuit defies calculation.

On a semi-serious note, it seems that B-movies have become so indistinguishable from so-bad-it’s-good films that the directors are appealing to the latter market. That’s a shame. While low-budget schlock is often more amusing than anything else, genuinely creative and intriguing films have been produced as well. And, funny as crap like 2-Headed Shark Attack can be, a joke is never as amusing when its target is deliberately seeking mockery. The real humour lies in the grandiose theatrics and po-faced sincerity of far more reputable productions. So, sad as it is to write, perhaps it’s time that mutant sharks succumbed to extiction.

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