Avian Bottled Milk – Scientists believe they’ve found the gene expression for the, er – “lactation” of pigeons. Only mammals create milk but pigeons, doves and, apparently, some penguins do secrete a viscous substance known as “crop” milk – their stomach lining. We’re informed that this is high in nutritious fats and proteins. Now, I won’t deny the benefits of putting those gormless, strutting creatures to use, but I don’t think you’ll find many people willing to consume white stuff that comes from pigeons. Our prejudices are a powerful determinant of our eating habits. On the other hand, perhaps our ancestors felt similarly about things we’ve dined on since. “Eat that? You must joking. It came from that chicken’s bum!”

Last Orders, Please – Texan police have banned the “last meal” ritual after a murderer ordered a bounteous feast and then refused to touch the stuff. “Hah!” You can imagine him thinking. “You might kill me but I’ll still waste your food. Who’s the real loser?” (With such evil geniuses it’s easy to tell why people remain so enthusiastic about the death penalty.) Me, I think they should have done something was up when a white supremacist ordered fajitas. Anyway, this led me to a bleak question: what would last meal be? I think I’d have to go with tomato juice, a chicken drumstick, a cheestring and a bottle of red bull. If you’re really bored of a Monday afternoon you could untangle the logic there.

Irrational Security – A Freedom of Information request has secured the release of a list of items confiscated from people visiting the Houses of Parliament. I’d love to have seen the reaction of the copper who plunged his hand into some clueless tourist’s pocket and pulled a grenade-shaped lighter. Frankly, I’m relieved there wasn’t an appearance from the policeman’s gun-shaped, er – gun. The broomstick and the cricket bat were always going to be impounded but you have to question the sanity of the official who confiscated a child’s policeman helmet. Was 8-year-old imposter was going to kidnap David Cameron? Maybe he’d have threatened him with the “giant tennis ball” they swiped elsewhere.

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